Big Risk.

For your information, I am currently, for the lack of a better word, jobless. 

On 24th February 2012, I took the plunge. I finally completed the draft resignation letter that I have saved in my computer for a number of days and presented to my Deputy Head. I didn't just come with the letter, I came prepared with a cheque - I intended to resign with 24 hours notice.

Yes, you got that right. 24 hours notice. And resigning 24 hours notice would mean I would have to pay one month's basic pay in light of the organization being unable to "replace" the outgoing officer with a new employee (Which I do not think is a problem for them actually. They have too many junior officers there) 

When I presented the letter & cheque, my Deputy Head wasn't surprised. In fact, she said, "I kinda expected that this was coming". See, no surprises there. What caught her by surprise was .. it was a 24 hours notice. Obviously and as I have expected, she tried to coax me out of it. She even asked me to go home, sit on it and come back the next day. Unfortunately, I was adamant. I knew what I wanted, I knew this was it - that I wanted and needed to leave. 

My reasons were simple, though admittedly, the ones I'm disclosing here is only half the truth. No, no, I didn't get any (better) offers whatsoever, I only have this reason with me. I wanted to be happy. I have been depressed, demoralized, unhappy, sad and living in misery for the past 2 years and things just got even worse ever since Khaisah was born. Every week I would see myself being sad and depressed, to one extent, I was literally, crying every single Sunday. I dragged my feet and body to work, I was emotionless. Only physical body was present, but soul wise - zilch. I was working and challenging myself by the minute, waiting for the clock to tick 5.30pm to rush home, to be with my husband and Khaisah.

You should know I have defied all odds. I have tried to sustain, keep going and be patient. I was reminded by so many that things will change eventually, that God has His plans, etc so I remained hopeful that one day things WILL eventually change. Things changed when I was on maternity leave. It clearly wasn't a change for the better, it was for the worse , for me, respectively. But life has to go on, I had to come back to work to a whole different environment and system. I faced them all, day in day out. I wasn't allowed to question the going ons and what not because being a civil servant, you don't ask, you follow the rules. Whatever sentiments I had, I held them like hostage inside me, without realizing it was eating me up. It certainly wasn't healthy for me, my baby and my relationship with my husband. Thus I was then left with nothing but the friends I have to motivate me to go to work.

I have actually tried asking for my husband's permission to resign for a number of times. He was against it the whole time. I could only nod in agreement or resent in tears and weathered it. I understand his reasons for not allowing me to resign - that I had a lot of commitments and so did he, so it was to my detriment should I decide to quit. But after seeing all the tears and sorrows, not excluding the fact that he had to witness the depressing me and also having witnessed that I have tried my best to go through this ordeal, he decided it was best that I resign with the condition that I find a new job within a month or two after resigning.

I know you might be wondering, what is the actual problem here. I'm sorry, it would be unprofessional and inappropriate of me to disclose them, be it here or elsewhere. It's just for me to know and not for you to find out, at least not from me.

To make my reason to quit even more crystal clear, it was none other than my baby Khaisah. I need flexibility in terms of journey or time to be there for my baby. I don't have a maid and mom's the one taking care of her whenever I'm off for work. So whenever my mom is unwell or has to attend meetings or if Khaisah is unwell and I'm unable to take leave, I need to be near to my mom's place to run around and keep an eye on her. At least I can still run back home during lunch and come back to office after kan. Takkan nak expect my husband to do that, ie. to replace mummy-duties, unless it is absolutely inevitable.

After having considered so many factors - time, money, energy, health and consulted husband, parents and parents in law and having done istikharah prayers twice, that was the best decision to come up with. Alhamdulillah, I have never regretted my decision at any moment, and I have never been happier, although I'm still jobless. The last time I felt this happy was when I had Khaisah and marrying Hashley. The happiness was so apparent that got my husband to comment, "Dah lama I tak tengok you happy macam ni Say,". I was finally free from sadness. I felt liberated.

I know that sometimes in life, things don't happen the way we expect it to be. We can plan so much yet the decision maker is still Him. But if we believe strongly in Allah, that whatever we do is for Him, insya Allah with His blessings, things will turn out alright, sooner or later, someday, somehow.

I knew what I was fighting for all these while. I was fighting for my sanity so I can be there for my child and family. Having a child and being married is a life changing moment. It matures you. Allah knows best.