Working Motherhood.

Gosh, I have left this blog idle for the longest time ever. Lucky guess on the hiatus?

Motherhood.

"Working motherhood", if there is ever such a term.

In conjunction with Mother's Day on this very morning, I thought it's about time that I should probably write something here. That, and I don't think summarizing it all up on Instagram (more active there, perhaps that's another to be factored in consideration for the hiatus too) would do justice to what I go through, day in and day out.

Of late I have been getting emails or comments (on Insta in particular) that they miss my blog (not that mine is a wow). Sorry guys, trust that I think about it but "working motherhood" just takes over my life in entirety. I don't have the time at all. Je suis desole!

So where do I start?

Perhaps my daily routine, my "working motherhood" routine.

And before I begin, let me explain "working motherhood" in my very own dictionary.

(Action packed) Office hours 9-7 (most of the time, sometimes 830pm) + Mom 24/7 + No maid + 2 storeys house + in Setia Alam.

Remember that math up.

I wake up about 530 or 6 in the am, to pack the kids' school bags, iron their school outfits, iron our working clothes (thank god Hashley irons his himself as I'm not a iron queen, trust me on this), clean the kitchen (cause Hashley cooks his meals before his sleep), tidy up the house (you know this is an everyday, inevitable situation given two very active and creative minded toddlers), sometimes whilst doing all of this I get the clothes washed (by the washing machine of course) and hang them afters. After all of this, I take my shower, perform my prayers, get ready (concealers what not - every mom's best friend) and wake the big boss up.

Leave the house at 7ish - an hour's drive to the office on a normal traffic kinda day, sometimes up to 2 hours if there are reckless drivers or nosy Malaysians on the road (most of the time, the latter), reach office, get the kids showered at school. AT school IN working clothes. Hug kiss send them off to their classes and off we go to our own offices.

Then comes work and it's just busy, busy, busy. Which is a good thing cause I'd rather be busy a hundred times than not doing anything at all.

Come 6ish or 7, I'd frantically get things done, pack up and leave. Okay no, not really. Most of the time Hashley got the kids covered already by 6 cause I'm still stuck and most of the time, I had to bring my work back home because I can't afford to stay back at the office till late. Too creepy pun ada but most of all, it's not fair for the kids. They need my time too.

When I actually lay off work, we grab our dinner, nearby or tapau and eat at home. I felt awful for not being able to cook day in and day out but I think I'm over that feeling. Think they understand, kan guys? And when I get home, the whole cycle second/night shift begins. Juggle home + unpack kids' clothes + feed the kids dinner + eat dinner + clean up the kitchen + put Niyaz to sleep + shower .. come on guys, the list goes on. By the time I take my shower, I'd be knackered to the tee.

In between all of the above, I must give credits to Hashley for being ever helpful/hands on with the kids, albeit his own way lah. I may not agree with the way he does things sometimes but the extra hand is commendable. Thank you B.

Now that I've sum it all up, what do you guys think? How to blog like this? Hectic right?

I know, to each his own.

Some may think that this is nothing compared to what they're going through and I can rightly say this about other people too.

Again and I will a repeat hundred times if I have to, to each his own.

Truly, working motherhood took over my life.

And now I lay down my reasons why I will not let go of both.

Working:

1. Drives me sane.
2. It keeps me going knowing that I am able to engage in intellectual discourse/discussions.
3. An avid believer of personal growth.
4. I have my own dreams that I want to achieve in becoming successful.
5. I don't think Hashley can handle a wife who does talks only about bags and shoes or what clothes to wear .
6. To be an example to Khaisah that she needs to be successful, that to become a woman, she need not be dependent on someone, let alone a man and that it is vital for her own personal development.
7. And ultimately, my only form of escapism during the day. I kid you not.

Motherhood:

1. No doubt that it is the world's toughest job, but it is the MOST rewarding job ever to be able to come back to two pairs of adorbs fat cheeks that love you unconditionally, completely, non judgmental, irrespective of your imperfections. Who accepts you for who you are and who you aren't (until they're big enough to disagree, I'll take whatever that I can get at this mo). 
2. It's the best thing that Allah can ever give to me, the best thing that I can ever have and the best thing that I will forever have.
3. I only have those two reasons and I will keep telling myself of these two if at all I am going nuts over this whole cyclical life of mine. Lol.

So ladies, my advise is ... get a maid. Hahaha. 

Sometimes my strength - mentally, emotionally and physically is beyond me and I know that stemmed from and for this. The love I have for my children. That and always keep your head up high. Motherhood isn't something that is easy. It doesn't come with a manual. Thousand of books may be handy in explaining the rights and wrongs to motherhood but rest assured that dealing with children is something so unique, no less. It takes a lot of trials and errors but we will learn from it. We learn from the mistakes that we so fear in committing but what is motherhood without it? I may not be exemplary on this but I want you to know that I try, every single day to strive in becoming a better person, a better mom for these two precious human beings. I have letten go of people judging me for the things that I didn't do because I know for sure that I have done a lot more than they know. Let's not presuppose and prejudge others on this as again, to each his own. 

To my kids, if ever you read this in prolly 10 years time, thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for bringing out the worst and best in me.You are the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life and I can only pray for your successes and well being from today until the end of lifetime.

With that, Happy Mother's Day to all mommas. May yalls be blessed with abundance of love, happiness and lots and lots of patience. Haha!

Birth Guru.

Remember when I said I was doing the lamaze breathing technique throughout my labour? Yes, I did just that and nothing else. If it wasn't because of the lamaze breathings, I don't think I could sustain as long as I did. Swear in the name of Allah, it helped me A LOT and for that, I have to thank Sherry Bayles, via a video shared by my best friend's sister, on Laugh and Learn on Child Birth by Sherry Bayles. She's the GURU OF CHILD BIRTH, no kidding!

That video taught me the A-Z of pregnancy and labour , with breathing techniques and method of pushing and everything you need to know about medical assistance etc. If you have the money, do purchase the video, especially for those who would like to try for natural birth. I watched this video during my first pregnancy and watched it again this time to refresh my memory.

I would so love to share them all with you but don't think that's possible cause the file's too big.

No longer have to do the 'Hehe's',
Me x

Her First LRT Ride.

I apologise if I seem to bore you with many of Khaisah's firsts up on the blog (bear in mind now that I have Niyaz too so watch out for that in the near future, insya Allah). I use this blog as a medium for me to share my momentos with my kids and dear friends and families and most of all, sometimes I feel like this blog is like my life journal.

Anyway, we decided to take Khaisah for her first LRT ride to KLCC for dinner. Little did we know she didn't like it - saying she was scared. Perhaps we took her on a wrong time, it was at night though. Just need to try once more but during the day and see if she reacts differently.

Next round tak mau scared k? Hehe. I shall leave you with her rabbit teeth face :D

The Birth of Zahir Niyaz - Part Two.

Date: Thursday, 21st November 2013.

It was 630 am when the midwife came to check my temperature, blood pressure, contractions and my dilation. But I prevented her from doing a VE cause I simply don't like it when the midwife does that cause it's a lot more uncomfortable and definitely painful. She tried to coax me out of it, saying that the doctor will tell her off for not doing her "job" but I insisted that I only wanted my gynae to do it. And so she relented.

At 745 am, my "knight in my shining armour" gynae showed up. Boy, I was relieved as hell cause I literally waited for him since 9 pm (10 hours!) He VE-ed me and asked the nurse for the catheter (I think) to break my water bag and whilst he was doing that, I asked,

"Doctor, are you going to induce me?"

"No, I'm not going to induce you. You're 8cm dilated."

"Whattttttt?" (My ONLY reaction to that statement)

"I'm surprised you could withstand the pain, not asking for any medical relief. I don't think epidural is possible (past 5cm) and perhaps the only medical assistance available for you is enthonox (gas). Well done! You're going into labour in an hour or two."

The midwives quickly prepared me for labour and 15 minutes later, I was already in labour room, 8cm dilated. Breathing ridiculously and religiously harder. Every half an hour, the midwife will be checking up on me, trying to "induce" me to use the gas but I refused because the lamaze breathing requires me to breathe out the pain during contractions but the gas requires to the exact opposite - which is to suck it all in, hoping the gas will make me "forget" that I was in pain. Such a fallacy, that gas! To one extent I got so annoyed with the midwife that I sternly said "No" and that was when she stopped. Good god, finally! Of course I didn't spare my husband from the occasional killer stares, finger pointing and threats from me hahaha. Sorry B!

4 hours later, my dilation remained stagnant. At 12pm, I was still at 8cm. My gynae then sent the anaesthetist to get me the epidural (apparently I was told that I might get burnt out from pushing later as I have been tolerating the pain since the night before) but I insisted to proceed WITHOUT the epidural. My internal monologue was saying, "Ah c'mon, it's already 8cm, how long more can this go on cause I just need 2 freaking cm left to dilate? What if the dilation becomes a success and the epidural did not kick in on time?" So yeah, NO was the answer and I kept on breathing. Little did I know that the reason why the anaesthetist came was to prepare me from emergency c-section, if need be.

At about 1pm, the gynae checked on me and informed that he had to do stretching of the cervix. Sound so easy peasy isn't it? I didn't quite understand what that was because the video on Laugh and Learn on Childbirth didn't teach me that. So I was rather clueless of what was going on down there but I just listened to the doctor. I was told to push so the doctor could "dilate" the cervix for me using his fingers. I swear it was NOT not painful at all. The moment that "little procedure" ended, my dilation progressed normally. Then he mentioned that my baby's head was not facing the optimum i.e. not facing down but instead facing to the right, which hence require the baby to be delivered with the assistance of vacuum extraction. Here I am, the layman, thinking that the vacuum will only latch on to the cervix, not knowing that it will be inserted inside! Allahuakbar, the pain, was the worst and most painful thing I have ever experienced! At that juncture, I was pleading in tears, asking my gynae to stop because it was so, so painful. After a few more pushes, I heard the baby's cry. I could only whisper, "Allahuakbar, sakitnya…" as I lost my voice due to intense pushing.

The pain from the labour was throbbing that the whole post birth of stitching, jabbing and what not didn't matter and were painless. All I know is I can already see and hold my son. Praise to Allah SWT, Alhamdulillah, I am a mother of two now. Born at 37 weeks and 2 days, on Thursday, 21st November 2013, 3 weeks earlier from the EDD.

I couldn't have done it without my husband's support through and through. Thank you B for everything, but please next time, if you want to have another baby, do give me an advanced notice. Hahaha.

The Birth of Zahir Niyaz - Part One.

Date: Monday, 18th November 2013.

Diarrhoea. 5 times that day so I decided to give my gynae a visit. Asked the doctor whether I was having a premature sign of labour cause I remember so vividly that diarrhoea was "the" signal that I was going for labour when I was carrying Khaisah. 

Gynae said, "Oh it's just normal diarrhoea that's inducing braxton hicks contractions (re: false contraction). So you shouldn't worry, the diarrhoea should subside by the end of the day. Baby's still not engaged."

With a sigh of relief, I exited the gynae's clinic. Oh by the way, I was 36 weeks and 6 days on this date. 

Date: Tuesday, 19th November 2013.

Apparently still going to the loo. What the heck, I thought. It's just diarrhoea. Can't be "cleansing of the bowels" yet. I was still working and driving around with a big belly, mind you and today, I was on my 37th week of pregnancy. 

Date: Wednesday, 20th November 2013.

Still getting diarrhoea with stronger contractions. It can't be (cleansing), I thought. That morning at work (yes, I was still working), I felt something was amiss with my body. Body felt achy, legs felt as if they were 10 times heavier, I was getting what I thought as "menstrual cramps" and the numerous visit to the ladies which weren't that far felt so laborious and tiring! So I decided to head back to mom's during lunch to get some rest. Had my lunch, rested a lil while watching tv and for all you know, it was already time to get back to work. 

Tried to get up and descend the stairs but I couldn't. The pain was just so intense! Decided to take the half day off. Slept for 2 hours that noon and when I woke up, the contractions were just getting crazier and crazier. But I was so relaxed I thought it was one of those strong braxton hicks contractions and left my thought at that. Took my shower, waited for my husband to come home from work and Khaisah from the school and had my dinner. 

It was then time to go back to my place but I was immovable. It was so gruelling to move from the dining table to the door. Mom insisted that I stay at her place cause she somehow or rather felt that I was going to deliver real soon but the confident me said, "No lah ma, I'm okay. But to be safe, okay, I'll go back to my place to take my three-quarter packed hospital bag and some other stuff and I'll be back here." Mom agreed. So Hashley and I left, leaving Khaisah at mom's. 

It was on our way back to Setia Alam that I started to time my contractions. It was 5 minutes apart and 5 minutes apart sure is an active sign of labour. Guess what I did? 

I called one of my best girls, Farissa, who's a doctor and confidently asked, "Sha, I'm having 5 minutes apart contractions, you rasa I sempat tak nak go home and take my stuff? Tak beranak kan?" 

Sha said (not verbatimly), "Hey, tak jam ke nak balik Setia Alam? 5 minutes apart contraction is a sign of labour and since this is your second pregnancy, labour maybe cepat. You should be at the hospital!"

Boy was I confident or what! 

HAHA. 

My husband immediately made a u-turn and headed straight to the hospital. He was stuttering (panic la tu hehe) to get the nurse to wheel me to the maternity ward (I was walking step. by. step. by the way haha) The midwife did the CTG scan for 30 minutes - contractions every 3 - 4 minutes) also VE-ed me and found that I was merely 1 cm dilated. She spoke to my gynae and guess what, I was to be admitted. Gynae said he'll meet me in the morning. It was 9 p.m. at that time. 

HAHA.

With no clothes, no hospital bag, nothing, nada. Husband in shorts and tee, I was in a loose tee and maxi skirt. That was it. You know hospitals are crazy cold, what more at night! Called our parents and informed only very close friends that I was admitted. Parents in law came in to accompany me whilst my husband went back home to fetch all the stuff that I had packed. That night, the contractions were just getting more and more intense, I could only rely on the Lamaze breathing technique and my husband's help to massage my back (my gosh, the back pain was a motheerrrrrr …!) Technically, I didn't get proper sleep that night. 

**Okay, I shall continue Part 2 in another post lest I will bore you with this already-lengthy post. Stay tuned, alright :)

Zahir Niyaz bin Hashley.

Salam all,

Introducing our new bundle of joy who came into this world on 21st November 2013, alhamdulillah. A lot to be updated, but for now, this will give you a slight hint of what I have been up to ;)

Thank you all for the well wishes, prayers and love given to us. We 4 truly appreciate it <3 Birthing story will be up in due course hehe.

Love and light,
Me

Khaisah's First Few Steps!

Just last night, Khaisah took her first two steps. 

Then she fell down and up she rose again and took another 8 steps!! Hashley and I was thrilled to see that she was able to balance herself and put her steps forward, alhamdulillah :)))) I'm a proud mummy!

She took her first steps on her exact 13 months milestone. Will ensure she gets a lot of practice in hoping she'll be able to walk without support and falling before the eid :)

Yeah she was walking with a paper bag in her hand. Dah practice nak gi shopping dengan mummy ya? :) Picture was taken from a snapshot of the video that we recorded. Apologize for the quality hehe.

Anyhoos, I know I hardly blog about Khaisah - that's cause I try not to expose my daughter much to the cyber world, judging there are so many sick people nowadays. But I'm making an exception this time to share with you of her developments at 12/13 months in a nutshell :D

At 12/13 months, she was able to:
- walk with one hand held
- eventually walk without holding our hands
- was able to stand on her own and attempt first steps
- sit down from standing position without help
- she loves playing with things like shape sorter and balloons too!
- she loves books, more like flipping pages (habis mummy punya buku and magazines)
- crawls so fast!
- likes to chase cats but still scared to touch them
- able to call me "mummy", "mama" and calls her daddy "yeyi" hahaha
- able to address my mom's helper whose name is Bahtiar but she calls him "Atiar"
- able to say the words "cat", "dog", "bubble", "duck"
- she comprehends our expressions and recognizes objects by name
- understands simple verbal comments like when we say "no" she will be shaking her head and hands
- shows affection by kissing (love this!)
- clings to us in strange situations 
- searches for objects where it was last seen (she loves playing peekaboo)
- one thing I noticed she loves music and loves singing and dancing - all time favourite song: birthday song :)
- current favourite thing to do: ask her who's cute and she'll go blinking her eyes like she knows she's the one who's cute hahaha! SUPER CUTE.

But I must also share with you that Khaisah has had her several falls - most of them were from the bed, subhanallah. I swear it's scary as hell but alhamdulillah, she's fine from it all. I really felt like I was the worst mom in the world, I even cried the first time that she fell. Must be cautious and careful at ALL times, especially now that she's more active than before. Really hope the last incident will be the last, nauzubillah.

As for Khaisah's development at the nursery, she's blending well, much to my liking. Hardly get any calls from the nursery anymore except for one occasion that she had diarrhoea. Other than that, she's one popular girl at school! Haha. Bila sampai je at school, all the bigger kids will call out for her name and she'll be smiling and giggling to them. Ever since she attends the nursery, I also noticed that she's bubblier (she talks SO much now) and friendlier with people. If not, dulu tak nak orang lain pegang dia except for the people she really recognizes. 

So that's it for now I guess. Till another milestone insya Allah :)

Happy 1st Birthday, Khaisah.

Our first ever picture together :)

4.05pm on a Tuesday, 12^th July 2011 in Labour room 1, Dsara Specialist Hospital. By far the most significant time which meant the most to us, the first time we officially became parents, be addressed as “mummy” and “daddy”, where we first heard your cry. Masya Allah and Subhanallah, we were in tears of joy. Alhamdulillah, endless prayers and syukur to Allah for giving me you.

Happy birthday Khaisah, sayang! Semoga panjang umur, murah rezeki, sihat selalu and I pray that you turn out to be a fine, brilliant (as per the meaning of your name) lady and become anak yang solehah towards mummy and daddy. Mummy loves you so much my dear, always and forever, in life and thereafter.

Birthday girl at birth time <3<3

Her birthday dinner at Vivo, on her actual birthday.

Khaisah Goes To School.

As in, the nursery.

Honestly, it was hard for me to do this and to make things worse, my mom made it a lot harder for me to send her to the nursery. Being the first grandchild who is spoilt by her grandparents makes it even more difficult for the grandparents to “let her go” i.e. to allow other people, strangers so to speak, to take care of her. I can totally relate to that and understood the nature of sending “babies to nurseries” can be quite tormenting, especially with the recent news and cases about child abuse, children treated inhumanely etc. You name it, I have considered all the factors relative to sending my child to the nursery.

But a decision to send her to the nursery had to be made. Both of Khaisah’s grandparents are working grandparents, which means that all 4 of them are incapable of escaping from tending to work matters which include meetings – whether domestically or internationally. 

Previously, it was my mom who had been taking care of Khaisah. However, looking at the recent pattern and scenario, my mom who owns a software education training company has to travel frequently to the local and private education institutions in Malaysia. Her presence at these meetings all over the country are inevitable hence, at every case that this happens, I had no choice but to ask my sister in law to babysit (lucky me she’s currently free) or to switch duties with my sister to babysit after class. Safe to say we fell short of having a duty roster as to whom and when these two girls have to baby sit Khaisah. 

Though they were willing to babysit, my husband and I felt that it is our duty to take care of Khaisah and we both agreed that sending Khaisah to the nursery was the best solution to this issue. But we both had our reservations – that the nursery that we intend to send Khaisah has to be impeccable or at least, almost impeccable. It has to be a nursery that’s established with whatever childhood care qualification, clean, good facilities and Montessori-like. 

So we began scouting and we only scouted at two places i.e. our organizations’ nurseries. Having considered many factors, it was only relevant and I was fervent that Khaisah is to be sent to my organization’s nursery. Reason being is simple – that she was just 6 floors down. Should the need for me to be present arises, I am only a call away. Coupled with that reason, the nursery below suited the hypothetical checklist which my husband and I came up with. It satisfied all of the above, in fact it exudes a very friendly environment. From that moment on, we knew our problem’s almost solved, insya Allah.

Booked a spot for Khaisah and thankfully there were a couple of vacancies available. Khaisah’s spot was thus reserved for the month of June onwards.

June came and we were all geared up for her first day. We were anxious, worried yet excited for her. We both knew she’d love the place as she’ll be playing with other kids (she just loves being involved with other kids) 

First day. Spontaneously picked up the toys available and started dancing to the song that was playing on the radio! (Yes she loves dancing too!) I thought, she could deal with this. 

Indeed. As I left (while the teacher distracts her), she was doing well. Till I got a phone call, “Zaza, Khaisah won’t stop crying. Can you come downstairs and see to her?” Guess she must have remembered where’s my mummy, who are these people, gosh I’m so sleepy but I don’t want to sleep with people I don’t know. Haha!

As I arrive, she automatically stopped crying and I knew at that instant she was sleepy as hell. Took her to the breastfeeding room, fed and put her to sleep and sent her back to the nursery. On that day alone, I received 4 phone calls from the nursery requesting me to calm her down (she was crying as loud as she can … poor baby!). Day 1 ended with her not sleeping at all. 

Major problem for day 1: Not sleeping.

Day 2: Not wanting to eat.

Day 3: Not wanting to drink.

Day 4: Better progress overall – she was able to sleep with other babies soundly. But she didn’t want to drink her milk. 

So manja. Haha. Luckily my boss wasn’t around that whole week so it was a lot easier for me to handle this little girl’s adjustment to place. I mean c’mon, even us adults take time to adjust to a new environment, what more a baby. 

Now I leave you with a couple of pictures to show her progression. I’m glad my husband and I made this decision to send her to the nursery. We’re guessing she’ll be learning a lot of things there and I’m also hoping she will attend her kindie there, insya Allah.

First day.

Third day. Happy sangat she was able to sleep. Phew!

This was just yesterday. Too tired lah mummy. I had so much "work" hehe!